No fate but what you make.

We were talking in the truck, on the way somewhere, and he told me, "you can't let someone trick you into thinking that their happiness is dependent upon you, because it's not." It's not, and I know it, but damn if it isn't hard to remember that sometimes. He comes home and it's a son of a bitch to not feel responsible. The sadness that comes with failure, the depression of something that is broken and you don't know how to fix it.

And there is my dad, and his truck that smells like safety, like nothing in the world could ever be that bad, and me feeling guilty for being angry but not worried. I know that no matter what happens there will be corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's day, a warm fire in the shop every New Year they own that house, there will be a great hullabaloo on every birthday, and thousands of celebrations and congratulations along the way. I know, without question, that no matter what happens, each and every one of them will be there for me and would even give me the shirts off their backs if needed. And that I would, too.

And then I think, does he have that kind of unflinching support? When his brain tries to get him down, of whom does he think, which spirit offers his soul some comfort? And my corny neurons fire up the image of Linda Hamilton, alone in her cage and doing pull ups on her over-turned bed, and I think no fate but what we make... every one of us has taken each step down the path which has led us to where we stand in the present. If we are in need of people to support, nurture, inspire, comfort us, then we need to seek them out.

The only constant is change. Always, always, always.

**********************

I had a dream last night, I don't remember much of it but Emily and I were trying to get somewhere in a very old car. It was some old manual racer and I was driving and we came to this very steep, very muddy, very terrifying section of road. The farther up we made it the more I down-shifted until we were in first gear, barely crawling. I was afraid the car would tip over. But she knew we would make it, I remember looking over at her and she wasn't worried at all..... so we crested the hill and kept driving.