Moxie, grrrl

It wasn't what I thought it would be. She seemed nice, intelligent, strong. And then she looked at him and said, I feel for you, I know where you are coming from. All I got was a blank stare and a warehouse load of guilt. And confusion.

I went in with expectations, but you can't help it. We deal with new situations by trying to put them into a familiar context. We assume.

This whole time I've been convinced that my actions have been reasonable. That the root of the problem is our shifting view of life, not that I'm asking too much. That I'm not a bad person for knowing what I want and being determined to acheive it. That it's not outlandish or sinful to want to live near my family.

Maybe she'll quit, maybe she won't like actually doing it as much as watching it.

I thought about my dad, and my mom, and how much bs mom put up with on the force 20 years ago. And still she loved the job.

Maybe he has problems with the thought of his wife getting shot at.

I thought about Nate and how he said he wanted to be a Ranger, or a Seal, the high hopes he had and how he just always knew. How it seems that some people are called with such undeniablity that it's not even a choice.

How would you feel about not starting the Academy right now? Maybe that would make him feel better, lessen the tension.

And I thought about Pittsburgh, and how small life can become if you're not vigilant, if you sell yourself too cheaply.

In the end it's shadow and dust. You do what you can to be true to yourself before the winds claim your ashes. You don't regret, you don't compromise your integrity, you are always honest with yourself, and death finds you smiling.

You lie to yourself and may the gods help you.

I won't set aside an hour a week to meditate because I can't betray myself like that. I won't delay the Academy because that would be death, and would breed contempt. I will keep an open mind, I will be honest, but I will not sell myself cheaply. That would be unreasonable.