Jesus, Mary and Saint Joseph

I am not one to anger easily. I should qualify that. I am not generally set off by the trivial irritations of life. When Henry Rollins said life is fucking hard I knew, in my bones, he was right. Life is fucking hard. I am grateful for how much I've been given, and am proud of how far I've come because I worked my ass of to get here.

Yesterday brought anger like I haven't felt for, I can't remember how long. Even the troops in Columbus couldn't get to me the way he did yesterday. I walked back out to the cruiser, polyester soaked with rain that was coming in horizontally, cursing and fuming the whole way. John met my gaze with sympathy as I headed back out. I took everything out of the trunk. I completely removed the backseat. Flipped down the visors, I even looked in the glove box. I went back in, I'm sure my ears were glowing red, I was soaked, raging, and clenched in my fist the only thing I could find... a ticket that another officer had misplaced.

He looks at me through eyes barely visible beneath folds of skin and tells me that I found the wrong thing. John gives me a sideways glance. I go back outside, without waiting, and can hear his footfalls following me. He shows me, and when I tell him I'd never been shown to look there, he doesn't understand and tells me that I'm still responsible. At this point my ears were so hot that it was uncomfortable.

No one should be set up to fail. The adage is to teach a man how to fish, not to place him at the side of a river, screw with him, and then berate him for not catching anything when he doesn't even know what the fuck a fish is.

Much later a message from John broke the dam. Funny how that works. You tell yourself that you're strong, that this shit doesn't get to you, and in the end it's the caring, the love and support of your brothers that actually pokes through the armor. Goes to the place that you stockpile the insecurity and the weakness.

But thank God for him. And the others. The knowing looks, smiles, winks and secret conspiring conversations that help fill the idle time. And I guess, when I think about it, that's really why I signed up. If I could just take a step back from the flame, I would be amazed at how many allies I've already acquired.

But I can't remember ever having recited the Serenity Prayer so many times, silently, to myself.

Blessed Father, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

My new goal is to consistently beat him in activity each month. Shouldn't be hard. (So maybe I don't anger easily but damn am I cocky!)