Atmosphere

My strategy had been simmering in the back of my mind after I hung up with her, the appointment made. Grace made it so that my mentor, the great verbal manipulator, was on and this time it was all about him. Running in the basement alone in the house our eyes locked, even though he didn't know, and the strategy boiled away. My immature giddiness about these things is trumped only by his.

Driving down the crowded highway in the still black morning, I had Jay-Z as loud as the car would stand, him helping me put my game face on. This is what I'm good at as I caught a reflection of myself under the passing lights. Hunting. Turn me on she arrived early and I could see her sitting in her car in the parking lot. Deep breath in and out, steeling herself, I thought. I made her wait when she found the resolve to come in.

We sat down in calculated silence, her eyes were red and half-shut and belied the strength that she wanted to display in the rest of her face. I flipped the switch on inside, and it was me watching me on the treadmill, removed and distant, with script in hand. I read it. And it worked, and it was instead of like a chess game more just like taking the chess board and throwing it across the room, having no need for it but wanting to hear the sound of it crash against the wall. She was scribbling on the piece of paper I had readied, and I noticed that her hand shook. My lips let loose bits of compassion and empathy, and I laughed cynically to myself that yes, that too was part of the script. When the door closed and she freed herself into the cold dawn air I could not put away the cheshire cat as he spread himself across my face, baring all of my teeth. And the teasing that followed, and that I did not care.

And that I got an atta boy from the one man who still intimidates me there. That it could be so easy to put such a thing together, but that it could still be appreciated.

And I do believe that our hands could wash each other's and that not one speck would remain. And then, and then. If it takes you, then I hope it takes me too.

But my God, how lucky I have been.