The room was packed with bodies and the swirling heat made the room smell like a thrift store. There was a literal throng of people who had given up their Monday evening to engage in the lost art of civil disobedience.
Let me explain myself. It has never been easy to be a cop. I have literally gone from praying over a dead body to being yelled at by John Q. Public about a barking dog within the same hour. I have been called upon to be counselor, disciplinarian, psychologist, friend, and protector. I have seen things that have made me sick to my stomach. I have seen things that have given me nightmares, I have dealt with evil that keeps me awake some nights, still. I have no way of quantifying this, and most days, I don't even have a way of talking about it. It is not everyone who would want to do this job.
But, for me, there used to be a sense of honor in it that kept my head above water. I read my personnel file the other day. It included the evaluations I got before I started in this new city. The old days. I couldn't believe how much I had forgotten the passion I used to have. It made me feel like a copy of a copy of the former person, now just going through the machinations. And how do you begin to repair the damage?
The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.
The shell is intact but the spirit is damaged. Lord help me to find peace, and an end to the nightmares. Help me to understand why.
Let me explain myself. It has never been easy to be a cop. I have literally gone from praying over a dead body to being yelled at by John Q. Public about a barking dog within the same hour. I have been called upon to be counselor, disciplinarian, psychologist, friend, and protector. I have seen things that have made me sick to my stomach. I have seen things that have given me nightmares, I have dealt with evil that keeps me awake some nights, still. I have no way of quantifying this, and most days, I don't even have a way of talking about it. It is not everyone who would want to do this job.
But, for me, there used to be a sense of honor in it that kept my head above water. I read my personnel file the other day. It included the evaluations I got before I started in this new city. The old days. I couldn't believe how much I had forgotten the passion I used to have. It made me feel like a copy of a copy of the former person, now just going through the machinations. And how do you begin to repair the damage?
The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.
The shell is intact but the spirit is damaged. Lord help me to find peace, and an end to the nightmares. Help me to understand why.
