Stay. The cold
morning air washed clean the grimy traces of night. A long and lonely circuitous loop of bullshit
and white noise. Looking at the
reflection in window glass cast by headlights and passing street lamps. Tired.
I wonder what the eight year old version would do with the broken pieces
that lay about. Bury them in the woods
with our family pets and memories of better times. I have barricaded myself inside a faraday bag
where nothing can get in and nothing can get out but the isolation is crushing
at times. Stay, stay.
The old lady died in her room and her children released her
to the funeral home via a brief and sterile phone call. They didn’t come, there was no reason
to. Of course. It was midnight and although they lived close
what was the point. She was in fuzzy
pajamas and her wedding photo depicted a handsome, smiling couple. Wartime.
I wondered how long she spent away from her husband while he fought
abroad. Her mouth was agape as if in
shock, or perhaps wonderment, at what visions the last moments held. He went before she did, and I wondered if he
was there, waiting. You never know the backstory they said, as I related the absolute
isolation of her end. An Irish Wake
played in my mind, a raucous rite observed by all until the sun came up and we
were kicked out. We. There is no place for
this idea in reality but I don’t know where else to put it.
Stay. They talked
about abandonment issues as a joke to tease each other about one of them
excluding the others. I broke down alone
in the gym later and the only person who came had four legs and left a trail of
fur for me to clean up. I sat on the
rubber flooring and he pushed his face into my chest and knocked me over and
licked my face. He stayed there with his
ears pinned back not knowing what was wrong but knowing that something
was. He stayed until I dried my face. He kept his face pressed to my chest, and he
stayed as if his soft furry body could fill the broken pieces. Afterward he stuck close to me, his heart full
of grace and not understanding. The
house full of shadows. We fell asleep in
the big, empty bed and both of us had nightmares.
