It’s crazy, right? Like, people don’t behave that way, they just don’t. Those unspoken social mores. I knew the guy was trouble, you can read people if you pay attention. The anger was so apparent, scary, depressing. How did life come to this?
I’ve got to move on – I’ve got to get past one isolated incident on one isolated day, but it’s proving to be difficult. Affected. (I mean, I was having misgivings yesterday.) What do I want? This is what I am trying to honestly answer. The brain is over-capacity and is now losing information for lack of storage. It can’t continue like this.
My expectations when I started:
- That I would feel fulfilled helping others
- That I would have what is referred to as “right livelihood”
- That I would enjoy my work, not feel like it was work
- That I would learn from A.
- That this place would be healthy and productive
Now that I see the list written down it seems so incredibly naïve. None of the things above have panned out – the only thing I hesitate saying that about is the second item. Is it right livelihood? I can’t make my mind up…
The fears I have about this place:
- That I will become entirely burnt out
- That I will lose my joy
- That the stress will make me non-functional in other parts of life
- That I will never be appreciated/thanked/respected
- That I will become angry
- That I will personalize the bad events
